In a tizzy.

Or at least that's what my pastor said I am. Right now I'm working 3 jobs....my new job with SAIC, babysitting, & Master's Way. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited about this new job. But it's hard to balance 3. Only two more weeks of babysitting though!

There's just so much stuff to be done this month! (so why am I blogging?? haha) I've got Bolivia and Russia paperwork, writing letters to friends, writing letters to ask for money for missions, paperwork for my new job, plus stuff every night! Aaah!! so much stuff!!!

The upside is, with so much stuff to do and waking up early everyday, It's so much easier to spend time with the Lord. That's just the way I'm wired. When I have tons of free time, I never crack open my bible. But when I'm waking up early everyday and doing activities every night, I can easily study the Word and spend time in prayer. Weird.

Change my heart, oh God.

I feel very broken right now. A friend posted this as their Facebook status today: "An iPad, or a new TV? What shall I buy?". It made me sick to my stomach. There were 14 comments, and only two of them (and one was mine) said to give that $500 away to someone in need. One person suggested giving it to a church that is building a new facility (that made me even more sick). 6 comments were by people who I know are Christians, and they were suggesting material things.

It makes me sick mostly because of what God is doing in my heart about money and possessions, but also because I just had a conversation with another friend who just got back from China, where people who have nothing are being persecuted for their faith. The friend who posted this on Facebook is a believer. A true believer, who has a fierce passion to grow closer to the Father's heart. I respect him greatly. But his status is a representation of the American Church. The materialism, the need for things, the achievement of success as defined by the culture. And all the while there are 26,000 people dying today from starvation and preventable diseases. Many of those people die from unclean drinking water. All of which could be solved by the american church if it gave up some of its luxuries. That's right, I didn't say needs. Or even wants. I said luxuries.

I think the reason it made me sick to my stomach is because it reminds me so much of my own heart as well. I mean, my own status at the moment says, "Spontaneous beach trip...this weekend...who's up for it?". Yes, if I do go I will get to spend precious, precious time with my Mobile friends whom I haven't seen in over a year. But, where is the money for this trip coming from? I'll admit that I didn't tithe this past paycheck. After I paid all my bills I didn't have 10% left. However, I did get paid for my 2nd job, even though that check may be tiny. And I have yet to tithe that money since I started that job. Also, I'm feeling a little guilty for buying new things for my church's new facility. The worship team was given $5000 for new equipment, which will be put to good use. However, how many people could that feed?

God is doing some real upheaval in my life, starting with David Platt's sermons in August of 2008, Shane Claiborne's book in December of 2008, and then DP again with Secret Church and his new book Radical the past 2 weeks.

God is breaking my heart for these things, but I am still refusing to act on this brokenness. So, now I'm asking for CHANGE.

CHANGE me Lord! I know for a fact that I can't do it on my own!

Friendship Magnet

I hope you (whoever you are) don't find me vain, conceited, or prideful when I say this (even though I totally am all of those things). But here goes:

Why am I such a magnet for boys?

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not in the romantic sense, AT ALL. If that were the case there would be no complaints here! But for the past 5 years or so I've noticed that guys are just drawn to me. They want to sit next to me. They want to talk to me everyday on Facebook chat. They seek me out from across a room to talk to me. They confide all their thoughts/secrets/hopes/struggles/etc. in me. They want to be my friend. A close friend. A dear friend. And that's it. Nothing more. Why is this?

Now I understand why it never goes any further than that, why they wouldn't want to date me, but I just don't get why it gets that far either. I'm not that great of a conversationalist (I kinda suck at it, actually). I'm not the most spiritual person I know. I'm not full of sagely advice. So why do I pose this question....or....why does it bother me so much??

Here's why. It starts when I meet some guy. We talk a little in person, then he starts talking to me everyday on chat, seeking me out to talk to, maybe even going out to eat or just hanging out one-on-one. These things start to happen more and more frequently. We might even go on what looks like a date to the rest of the world. So, naturally, I assume it's going somewhere. And...it never does. However, by this point, it's possible that I'm attached (though I haven't been attached to every guy this has happened with, just a few). But, it's not over. If it were, I'd be ok with that. That person still wants to talk all the time, hang out all the time. And it's not like I can say no! I end up hurt, with the end result being me looking at their engagement/wedding photos on the internet (that case was really painful).

You may be thinking that this is just bitterness from one isolated incident that I'm not over. But, rest assured, it's not. This has happened with 4, maybe 5, different people. All in the last 5 years, with the most recent being right now (though I'm keeping my guard up now that I recognize what's going on).

Some girls enjoy having a feminine (or gay) guy to hang out with, to go shopping with and seek advice from. Am I just the female version of this (apart from the whole gay thing)??

I'm a little frustrated if you can't tell.

Excited about reading this!

Post-Secret Church

So begins a new phase. I've got to start being smart about my money. Last night's Secret Church was about "The Gospel, Possessions, & Prosperity." And it cut to the core. As always.

I'm going to develop a budget. I'm going to make a list of all the stuff I need to pay for, including tithing and saving some, and subtract it from what I make. Whatever is left over is going out...to whatever. It just doesn't need to stay with me, cause I'll just spend it on stuff I don't need.

I will do this, but only with God's help.

Number 3

I got one of those feelings again...

The first was when I felt like the Lord was calling me into worship leading, and I could no longer bear the weight of it and I gave into that calling. The second was when I felt like the Lord was calling me to go to Mexico, by myself, for a month to spend some time on the mission field.

The third happened this past week. A few weeks ago I heard about a job opportunity at Asbury that was 20hrs/week doing admin work. It was perfect! Prorated benefits, ministries & mission opportunities whenever I want...I was going for it. Then, out of nowhere, I got an email from a guy at my church asking me if I wanted some part-time work at his company. I told him to wait in case the Asbury thing didn't work out. He came by my office a few days later trying to convince me, but it wasn't until he told me about the people I would be working with that a spark ignited in me.

I started thinking...if I got the job at Asbury (and there were so many people talking me up for that job), then my main job would be in Christian ministry, my part-time job would be in Christian ministry, my extracurriculars like the Storehouse would be in Christian ministry, and all my friends would be leaders in Christian ministry. Completely surrounded. In a bubble. Unbalanced. If I'm supposed to be living for the Kingdom of God, how could I justify this? I have absolutely no access to the outside world; the people who don't know Jesus. I don't even know what that world is like. I've never been there except for that brief week at a secular camp one summer my Sr. year of high school. And not only that, in order to minister to the congregation at Master's Way, I have to know what kind of world they live in every single day.

So, after much prayer and seeking guidance, I just had 'that feeling' where I needed to tell Asbury that I couldn't work for them. Even if the Arsenal job doesn't work out. I just had to do it.

Yesterday I had my "interview" with Scott, where we just rode over the arsenal to see where I would be working and then we went out to lunch. He told me all of the stuff I would be doing, asked me what kind of hours I would like to work. I'm pretty sure I have this. :)

intercession

I just had an AMAZING experience tonight. It was my first time really interceding in prayer for something/someone. And it was incredible!

I'm not much of a prayerer...if that's even a word (and the red line underneath it is notifying me that it is, in fact, not a real word, but I don't care). I'm not a prayerer, if I can be so bold as to say that. And my experience at IHOP-KC let me know that my belief in what God can do/how He works is pretty weak, to say the least. But tonight, something else was going on. Let me back up...

This past Sunday there was a sign-up sheet going around the church for prayer time slots for this weekend. There is a Kairos prison ministry event going on right now, and the people involved want the weekend covered in prayer, so people were signing up for 30min time slots for every hour the event is going on. When it got to me, I looked over it for the longest time and ended up signing up for 2 slots, which happened to be Thurs. April 22 11:00-11:30pm & 11:30-12:00am. This is very unusual for me to sign up to pray, much less sign up for 2 slots. But, it was only an hour, right? The Storehouse has taught me that I can easily pray for an hour.

Then I forgot that I was supposed to pray. Typical. Luckily, I was going through my bag around 5pm when a business card, which had my prayer time slot written on it, fell out. When 11pm rolled around, I was still on facebook, but I said my goodbyes on chat and signed off then turned on an IHOP prayer room set from the archives (Tim Reimherr was leading worship, for those interested). I began whispering prayers for the prisoners as I was tidying up my room, putting away clean clothes. I soon forgot about my room and just started pacing the floor while the music played. I prayed.

"Lord, let them say, 'Though I am in prison, my heart is free.'"

"Break their hearts for their sin. Consume them with Your love. Tears of godly sorrow followed by tears of joy. Fill them with Your hope."

"Fall down like a mist, seep into the crevices of their heart and soak them with Your Spirit."

"Reign in the prison tonight, Father." Etc.

I began chanting these prayers, repeating them over and over. I realized then that it was not me doing all of this. I remembered that my idea of interceding for them, just minutes earlier, was just sitting quietly on my bed listening to IHOP and occasionally lifting up a prayer. I acknowledged that pacing the floor with fervor was not MY doing, but CHRIST IN ME. And I thanked God for using me. I asked Him to give me the words to pray. THEN something amazing happened...

Names of prisoners started flashing in my mind. I called out those names. Reggie, Terry, John, Eugene (I laughed at this one...), Smith, and others I no longer recall. I went back to each name and started praying for that person individually. As I called out their name, specifics came to my mind. I prayed for one with a drug problem, I prayed for one who was worried about his wife outside of prison, I prayed for one to be filled with peace for his restless heart. I prayed for redemption, for salvation, for God to raise up leaders within the prison to preach the Gospel to the other prisoners. I prayed for God to raise up pastors, who when they are released from prison will go on to pastor churches. I found myself facedown on the floor. I found myself face-up with arms stretched high.

Now I don't know for sure that this wasn't just the working of an active imagination. However, if it wasn't, and it was the work of the Holy Spirit interceding through me, then there was some real work accomplished for the Kingdom!!

This is my testimony of what Christ did through me on this average Thursday night. May He continue to work in me. May this not be a one-time thing, but a regular occurrence. May I be open to the Spirit to hear His voice and to respond whenever He moves. Amen.

community

I love friends. I love my friends.

Tonight I went over to some friends' house to grill out and possibly go bowling or something. We ended up on the patio around the fire singing old camp songs and 90's pop songs. It was the best time I have had in a long time.

At one point, 3 of us went walking around the neighborhood in search of 1/2 cup of oil for brownies, which was found in the generosity of a weirded-out stranger.

Why is sitting under the stars such a magical thing? I'm always filled with wonder whenever this happens. It's such an awe-inspiring, romantic feeling.

Thank You, Lord, for community.